Understanding Sexiness and Self-Perception
SEXY: /ˈseksinəs/ [uncountable] the quality of being sexually attractive or exciting.
Regardless of your individual interpretation of the word, we all know when we have experienced someone sexy. Whether it’s during your lunchtime scroll break or with a stranger on the tube, this can create a stir within us which presents itself in different forms; desire, jealousy, inspiration, even fantasising. But how often is it that we view ourselves in that way? For some it might be every damn day (good for you, I’ll have what you’re having). But for us more self-critical folk, it’s a notion that might not come so naturally. Regardless of where you currently stand on the confidence spectrum, if I were to tell you there was a way to “feel yourself” more often, would you take it?
The Evolution of Self-Care
“Treat yoself” is a phrase that is now being coined more than ever before. Our rituals have become non-negotiables when making ourselves feel good, comforted and ready to tackle whatever life throws at us. The sacred text of the Kama Sutra even lists “self-care” as one of the key acts to incorporate into daily routine. But let’s go deeper than your Sunday face mask or the extra glass of merlot at dinner and consider what makes us feel more than good (you guessed it, sexier).
Sex and Wellness: Breaking the Taboo
What is often not considered an integral part of this “overall wellness” is Sex. The fact is it is still treated as relatively taboo subject matter. It’s can be uncomfy, and who can blame us after the trauma of sexual health classes at school and the handful of awkward romantic experiences in our adolescence. Nevertheless, it certainly has a well-deserved seat at the table. Although the Dalai Lama might disagree, physical intimacy is an essential part of the human experience; it plays a vital role in sustaining and improving quality of life, encouraging self-expression, confidence and more obviously, the survival of the human race. The same goes for physical health and its ability to positively impact your mental health, physical performance and in turn, your sex life. But how much does one actually impact the other and is it that important that the two coexist as a symbiotic wellness ecosystem?
Does physical wellness encourage a better sex life? This is the burning, if not steamy, question.
Let’s Get Physical
Olivia Newton-John had the right idea. I’m not suggesting we bring back the leg warmer trend, but when it comes to self-love we could all take note of the level of self-confidence of ONJ thrusting unapologetically in 80’s activewear. Physical exercise and body image are interlinked and being active can sometimes be used as a method of changing ourselves or to mask insecurity, rather than to improve ourselves authentically. Consider this: when you love someone, appreciation and respect are usually at its foundation — the same goes for self-love. The more you learn about what your body is capable of, the more empowered you can become. This certainly applies when presenting yourself confidently in the bedroom with your partner(s), which hopefully remains a leg warmer free zone.
We were born to move. So, instead of thinking about exercise as a means to an end, or something to cross off the to-do list, reframe it as an ongoing exploration. Shift the perspective so your fitness journey becomes an investment in yourself and take your time in finding the right movement for yourself, as not everyone is cut off for a 7am cross-fit throwdown. Begin by getting curious and testing the waters. If you are experienced with training but struggle with remaining consistent, it could be that you have plateaued and need to switch things up or try something new to keep your mind stimulated — the list is pretty extensive when it comes to staying active. The point is, the more you experience the benefits of working out, the more opportunity you offer yourself to grow in self-confidence.
Keep that Blood Flowin’
Now for some science: What’s so important about better circulation? It’s definitely more exciting than the basics you learnt in high school. Exercise triggers the sympathetic nervous system which helps open arteries and encourages blood-flow to the genital region. Raising your heart rate with cardio-focussed training is fundamental for sexual response and arousal.
For all genders who exercise intensively, for example: running at faster speeds between 4-6hours a week has shown to reduce odds of sexual dysfunction. Furthermore, HIIT (high intensity interval training) can raise testosterone levels and enhance cardiovascular capacity, which are both key in improving sexual stamina. Having stated that he had more than 10,000 sexual partners, I wonder if NBA player Will Chamberlain has got any other tricks to share when it comes to his sexual success?
For women, improving and maintaining healthy blood flow assists in stimulating lubrication and increased sensation. When studied, women who were deemed to be “the most fit”, “experienced the least sexual dysfunction and had less difficulties with arousal and orgasms”, said lead author Dr. Benjamin Breyer, chief of urology at the Zuckerberg San Francisco General Hospital. Get this: it’s even been proven that women who cycle for as little as 20 minutes had a boost in arousal by 169% after exercise. Best news I’ve ever received, since I’m a cycle instructor.
When it comes to men, The British Journal of Sports and Medicine published a study which confirmed exercise “improved patients who reported erectile dysfunctions” and that aerobic exercise with moderate to vigorous intensity is the best way to see improvement in erectile function and overall sex life.
Best exercises for improved blood circulation: Running, walking, jogging, cycling, rowing, suggestion: 30-60mins. Remember, you can mix and match the above to achieve this time frame.
Best exercises for improving libido: Weight training & HIIT (produces and raises testosterone), Swimming and Pilates, which increases proprioception and awareness of the body, which leads to more sensation “down there”, especially when we do more kegels to improve our pelvic floor.
Endor(funs) & Aging Like Fine Wine
During both exercise and sex, there’s a mind-body connection when we experience the release of endorphins, which tend to make us feel satisfaction, pleasure, bliss and basically 10/10. Naturally, the more frequently you experience feelings such as these, the easier sexual arousal actually becomes. When you feel good, you want to keep the good times rolling. A study at the University of Sydney found that some 60 year olds who exercised regularly found that their sexual frequency as well as satisfaction were comparable with those 20 years younger. That’s enough for me to be up in the gym, just working on my fitness until my doctor says otherwise.
Zen Vibes
The main practice of movement that fits the bill of course, is Yoga. Whether you’re a full-on yogi or someone that equates hot yoga to working out in the fiery pits of hell… the relationship between yoga and sex is undeniable. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine stated that after a yoga session, women in particular noted significant improvements in the domains of: arousal, desire, satisfaction, lubrication and ultimately, orgasm. Interestingly, a study at the Boston University School of Medicine proposes that yoga can increase levels of Gamma-amino butyric acid (GABA) which in turn can mitigate depressive symptoms and cause excitement. Pre-sex Hatha yoga practice anyone?
To further compound the theories: it’s been proven that if you have a consistent exercise regime, you will likely have a stronger core, lower body strength and pelvic floor. The stronger your body becomes, especially your pelvic floor, the more intense your orgasms can be due to the power of your muscle contractions. If you’re looking to put on a better show in the bedroom, there are certainly transferrable skills between sex and exercise: strength, endurance and flexibility play key roles in both performances. Therefore, it goes without saying that if you are working hard on your fitness game, this will pay off in your sex game.
Don’t Overdo It
It’s worth noting that over-training can have adverse effects on your sex life. For example, when your body undergoes stress, it produces more of a hormone called cortisol which can impact blood pressure, blood sugar, sleep cycle, inflammation, energy and therefore, libido. Furthermore, it’s important to be cautious about energy deficiencies as it can directly affect sexual function (thyroid and testosterone) and your desire for sex. There is a lot of fake news out there that encourages us to consume less calories and spend more hours at the gym, which is inherently damaging to the function of your body and mind. Ultra high-intensity workouts and excessive endurance training without the right energy and recovery are significantly associated with a decreased libido. In fact, a study conducted by Anthony C Hackney which explored the connection between Endurance Exercise Training and Male Libido showed that ‘those who train at low to moderate intensities or for fewer hours per week are more likely to report a normal or high libido’. In this case, we can argue that less is more.
Since ancient Greek and Roman times, there have been theories around abstaining from sex before a competition — Muhammad Ali, for example, reportedly wouldn’t get it on for six or more weeks in the lead up to a fight. The research, however, is fairly limited. When speaking to Olympic diver Tom Daley about his thoughts on sex for athletes pre-competition, “I know lots of athletes that do hold out before a competition and I think the effects are different depending on your gender”. When asked about abstinence, “I tend not to physically exert myself in any way in addition to what I would be doing for training”. With this in mind, it is important to note that there are some sports that are more affected than others depending on their specific needs and how rigorous your sex life is. It’s worth doing some trial and error to see how you as an individual feel physically and mentally pre/post sex leading up to a competition.
How’s Your Head?
Self-confidence along with the physiological benefits that exercise offers is one side of the coin, but a question remains: What’s on your mind?
Lest we leave out the MVP when it comes to sex, and one that indisputably trumps all other efforts: the brain. Without the right mental state, it’s hard to put these actions into practice. We all struggle with blips, mental health and quite simply, day-to-day trials and tribulations which can get in the way of being present, wanting to be intimate or having the motivation to work out. That’s where mindfulness joins in to create the ideal trifecta when referring to sex and exercise.
Researchers suggest that sex boosts braincell growth in parts of the brain that are linked with memory, whilst supplying us with increased levels of dopamine, oxytocin (which plays a role in social bonding and reproduction), and improvements in brain power. When you mix in physical exercise you will also see improvements in mood, relief in stress, anxiety and mild levels of depression, and even sleep. What’s the cherry on top? Mindfulness practices. Mindset altering exercises in the world of mindfulness are ever evolving, “we know from science that mindfulness practices have positive impacts on our health, especially when it comes to overthinking as well as being more present and connected to our bodies” says Anna, co-founder and Chief Scientific Officer of Ferly. “Mindfulness allows for observation of the erotic elements felt by our senses. We also know that a lot of folks struggle with confidence in the bedroom and can be pretty stuck in their heads when it comes to sex”, she adds. One of the best known practices that incorporates mindfulness and intimacy is: Tantric Sex. In short, this form of sex is a slow, meditative process where the goal is enjoying the sexual journey rather than its final destination. It can help release sexual blocks and shame, healing from sexual trauma, produce multiple orgasms and improve mind-body-spirit connection with yourself and partner. Sounds like the perfect “Sunday-Funday”, and its practice has gained popularity in recent years. Notably, musician Sting attests to its wonders: “The idea of tantric sex is a spiritual act. I don’t know any purer and better way of expressing a love for another individual than sharing that wonderful, I call it, ‘sacrament’.”
It Takes Practice
If you’re not used to sex-related exercises, this might be a little out of your comfort zone. But, according to Anna, these are some best practices when it comes to increasing mindfulness and self-confidence in the bedroom.
Solo Vibes: Body mapping, breathwork, scanning our bodies for sensual sensations (eg. heart rate, warmth, tingling, pulsing etc.), a 5 senses meditation.
Partner Work: Cupping of genitals and noticing sensations and changes. Don’t break eye contact or play with the senses using ice, feathers, blindfolds, oils etc. You can play with 15 mins of touch – this can also be without penetration or genital touching and instead focus on the whole body.
You’re So Close.
As they say, all the best things in life are free. Its therefore within our grasp to level up and take our wellness and sexual experience to new heights. Regardless of how you practice self-care, our basic human needs remain, and these elements can be mutually exclusive, but work optimally when done in harmony. Yes, we might have to be a little more thoughtful and intuitive, however, the more mindful you are around what works for you, your body and your mind, the better sex you’ll have. And as proven, a little effort in the gym can go a long way, whether it’s on the mat or between the sheets.
